here i go again on my own...

easily, the hardest things about second year is living up to and living down things you did in the past.  as i write this, we are still dealing with the repercussions of a pretty solid fight.  there are a lot of fights next to my room and kopanke's because there is a big gap there with only females (it's actually 8 different rooms in a row with only females) and traditionally, females aren't going to break up fights.  last year i got into a jump to pull a kid out and, though nothing happened, in the weeks after that, there were a couple different altercations and i somehow got involved.  last week two of my girls got into it in the lunch room and i had to physically restrain one while she was trying to punch the other one, and my softball girls were literally scrambling over seats to fight last thursday until i "love tapped" two of them.  it's been assumed that i will get into the fight, or try to physically prevent it.  i feel okay with that assumption, as i'm pretty comfortable in my hoss-ness.  but today the fight was pretty intense and while i got in it as fast as i could, i definitely didn't get "in" it.  after the fight when the cops were there to arrest the kids, we were talking about it and i was asked by two of my assistant principals, a security guard, and two other female teachers, "why didn't you get in there?" uhhhhhh sorry, didn't know i was getting an added bonus to get my face punched in.  plus i was in a shift dress and i looked good.  wasn't about to mess that dress up.

i also have to live up to specific things.  i mentioned the cursing earlier, but that's something that was a big deal.  i didn't curse, and i wouldn't put up with it.  and i know you can pull the "i'm the teacher so i can do whatever i want to do" but i don't wear that too well.  so now if i curse to get a point across or to express my anger, i feel like it lost some of its effectiveness.  last year i stayed after a lot to help with state testing and ACT prep, and didn't get paid for it.  i was really supportive of sporting evens and organizational activities, and not that i don't want to keep that up, but i also would like my personal life to remain in tact.  i just feel like there are expectations of me that i never know if i'm fulfilling or not.  the one thing i'd really hate is if someone was like, "you're not as hard as they said" or "i thought you were going to be a lot more strict."  

sometimes i also find it hard to be all the way immersed in the material.  you only want to go over "to kill a mockingbird" so many times.  i don't want to keep trying to express malcolm x's awakening in "hair" to a bunch of students who don't get it.  once you come up with a creative lesson for prepositions...it's not as fun the when you're in the 700th minute of it.  it's not burnout, because i still want to be there, nd it's not that i don't want or need to teach the material.  but i don't want to throw away the effective methods that i had last year just to fulfill my desire for excitement.  i want something new and fresh, but a lot of those things work, and the students don't understand i've already taught that 8 or 9 times when i get to them.  i wish there was a cure for that.  sometimes it feels like "the mondays" every block of the week.

another hard thing about second year is the emotions, i think.  i don't get shocked when there's a wicked fight or a see a young girl get pregnant.  there's not much anger when i see students fail to live up to their potential.  in a way, i'm worried that i've come to be okay with the status quo.  i don't want to be neutral when a kid puts his head down all through class.  i don't want to be okay with a 60% average as a passing grade.  though i feel like i'm pretty culturally responsive, i don't want to be accepting of those things.  they are not okay with me.

a hard part of second year is that i think i've lost  a little of the conservative, outspoken, backwoods city girl.  and i don't like that.